TRANSPARENCY
THINGS I'VE PEED ON OR IN
(A Living Archive)
Transparency matters folks.... The people deserve to know where their candidate has been and what he has done there and whether urination was involved.... Oh seriously now this list is not complete because memory is a funny thing especially after the amount of whiskey I've consumed over the years but I'm doing my best....
- Several bushes of municipal significance
Really now I'm not at liberty to say which bushes but they were definitely the kind of bushes that had probably been planted on purpose by someone with a landscape architecture degree....
- A fountain I thought was a urinal
It had good acoustics, seriously, and the lighting was dim, and in my defense it was 2am and I had been at a gallery opening that had an open bar....
- A traffic cone (claimed by me, finders keepers)
Oh seriously now I took that traffic cone home and it lived in my apartment for three months before my ex wife threw it out and honestly that was the beginning of the end....
- A vintage pinball machine named "Firebird"
I apologized to it later.... Really now Firebird was a good machine, one of the best, and I feel like we had an understanding after that night....
- At least one pair of shoes that were on my feet at the time
Seriously now sometimes you make choices in life and those choices have consequences and the consequence was wet socks....
- A cardboard cutout of a local celebrity
Not my proudest moment but also not my worst.... Really now I'd rather not say which celebrity but they probably would have understood if they knew the full context....
- Behind various Plaid Pantrys
The institution, not my ex wife, although her name was not Plaid Pantry so that doesn't even make sense.... Oh seriously I have a relationship with Plaid Pantry that transcends mere commerce....
- A grave I apologized to later
Really now I went back the next day with flowers and said I was sorry and I meant it.... The occupant was someone named Harold and I hope Harold understood....
- The Willamette River
Technically IN not ON but it's a big river it can handle it.... Seriously now fish pee in there all the time, I'm just participating in the ecosystem....
- A newspaper box that I thought was out of service
It was not.... Oh really now someone got a very wet copy of The Oregonian that day and for that I am sorry....
- My own car, twice
Once intentionally (long story) and once because I forgot where I parked it and it turned out I was leaning against it the whole time....
- A public art installation
In my defense it looked like it was designed for that purpose.... Really now if you don't want people peeing on your art maybe don't make it look like a urinal....
Oh seriously now this list will grow as the campaign demands.... I promised to change my ways as a person if I ever got my whiskey back and I got it back and I'm changing my ways by being MORE TRANSPARENT about the ways I already had.... Really now that's growth....